The Collector
by Derrick

The tired bell clanked as the customer strode through the creaking door. Working his way through the maze of shelves, credenzas and armoires he wondered whether anyone could escape should this small shop catch ablaze. He slowly inhaled the air imbued with decades of stagnation, and his pulse quickened.

The quest resumed as he scavenged for treasures long buried under abandoned heirlooms and glorified garbage. He appreciated how these small shops ignorantly stored a few golden needles among the worthless haystacks.

The shop owner called out, “Can I help you find something?”

The customer replied, “I certainly hope not.”

Written over 3 years ago
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1 Note

Nate over 3 years ago

There is some word choice here which helps the story, and some which makes it a little bulky. For example, "strode" is a strong verb, but I'm not sure "appreciated" gets the customer's true feelings across. It feels a little thesaurus-heavy here and there, but that could be me searching. "A few golden needles among the worthless haystacks" is great - can we see the golden needle he sees, in particular?

Some nitpicky stuff:
- "treasures long-buried" should be hyphenated. Quick rule: if the adjective can't stand on its own, it needs to be hyphenated. One could have "buried treasure," but not "long treasure," so it becomes "long-buried treasure."

- Reading it out loud, I wondered if a comma at "escape, should" could help readability.

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