And yet so far
by mattliadan

No one could stop him this time. Eyes adjusting to the darkness, David leaned his shoulder against the kitchen chair and pushed until it reached the counter. Using a broom liberated from the hall closet, he swiped at the animal cracker box, bringing it tantalizingly close to tumbling over the edge of the cupboard. But just at the moment of victory, the lights snapped on. Say something, anything!

"I bein good boy?"

As his father scooped him up and returned him to his bedroom, David's failure stung like finger prick administered by those damnable pediatric nurses. So close.

Written over 1 year ago
Tags 3am

4 Notes

wordshiv over 1 year ago

I like the tale from a child's perspective and motivation.

Probably because I'm not the brightest bulb, but I had to reread the first paragraph to get more of an idea of what the sequence of events was. Maybe one more step is needed after getting the broom to show that he's climbing on the chair.

And since I'm being nitpicky, although I like the mention of the pediatric nurse, at the character's age, would the nurse be "damnable"? I think using maybe an adjective he would likely use would top it off would be the icing on this cake. Good story.

mattliadan responded over 1 year ago

I think damnable works if you assume the child to be of advanced intelligence, which I do. Maybe too much choreography to slam into 100 words.

Barry over 1 year ago

@wordshiv I think "damnable" works if you assume the child is Stewie from The Family Guy. :)

Seriously, I agree with your notes. Great story, @mattliadan. Just a couple tweaks and it's golden.

Pussreboots over 1 year ago

LOL. I get the Stewie vibe from this one. Very funny.

Nate over 1 year ago

There are a few small gaps of action I need to fill in for myself as a reader, and the tone is fun and absurd (I'm a sucker for absurdist humor - too much Monty Python as a kid).

Something to consider regarding point of view: your story is third-person limited except for two lines: "Say something, anything!" and "So close," which both feel like first-person narration. It may be worth trying to stay consistent in one point of view voice or the other.

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